will things ever gonna get better?

as if things aren't bad enough, it just got worse..wow
what could be the worst i wonder..
anything else coming? hmm, can i still take it?
and the longer it is, the worse it gets
will things ever turn for the better?
how long will it be?
the thing is: i dont know

i just know i am now utterly shattered, crushed & defeated
failure after failure, hopes are gone, faith is missing
i'm almost to my limit & i've no idea what to do anymore

rushing against time
pressure coming from myself, family, peer, corporations
and i'm facing this all alone
i wonder how long more can i put up with these

all i ever wanted is a chance
but nobody is willing to give any
most of the time, i'm treated with ignorance and rejection
maybe its all my fault anyway
simple no experience whatsoever
and i'm just never good enough
what a useless brat i am

what's the point of having achieved the graduate level
so what? i may ask
i'm a failure & this achievement has not much meaning now
when it doesnt make any difference at all
it makes me condemn myself even more

everytime i look at them, i feel a tug inside my heart
my parents have worked hard all their lives
for me & my siblings sake
now i just want to ease their burden
when i have the ability to be more independent
get a job & earn some money
so they dont have to support me with allowance anymore

yet, the time has not come
there are some desires, wants & needs
but i wanna fulfill them only with the money i earned myself
i'm trying not to spend parents' hard earned $$ for my own purpose
and i'm pretty much still in struggling stage
cant help feeling how irresponsible i am at this moment

should i just take another route or perhaps a short cut?
maybe its a form of waste but at least it wont be a waste of time anymore
if i just choose to make a living with a job that doesnt require much qualification or skill
as long as it is enough to get me survive through basic, simple needs

i am only worried of the real future
but i'm out of energy & perspective to look at things in a more positive manner
time is continually ticking
the constant wait, it freaks me out day by day

失落，挫败，自卑
这些应该是最适合形容我的心情的字眼吧
除了这些之外，我也不知道如何解释了

我很累了
不想继续走下去
可以放弃吗?
说真的，其实这样我以后再也不用烦
别人也不需要为我烦了
那岂不是一举两得
很好的结局吗？

Of gratitude & thankfulness

These few days have been very special to me
I've learnt to count my blessings despite the hardship i faced throughout the 2/3 months
It's exhausting to deal with mixed emotions over ups & downs
yet this is the essence of a human being, filled with different feelings that define the spice of life
maybe this is exactly what we are made for
only when one has been thru the roller coaster of emotions that one is said to have experienced life for real

The once-in-a-lifetime experience of becoming a graduate & attending convocation
The pleasant surprises, not once, but twice that my family gave me
At the times when i least expected it
All these held significant meaning for me personally
At my downtime, they really uplifted my spirits
These moments i felt touched & loved when i felt most lonely

My heart just melted at some point yet i couldnt even express my gratitude properly
Time flies past fast & i didnt even get to spend enough time with them
Yet they tolerated & waited with patience tho i wasnt thr on time but they were still there for me
For the care & sacrifices as well
I definitely couldnt thank them for more

To the friends with whom i started the journey 3 years back
i believe without your presence i wldn't be able to survive and plough through this uni life
I know i couldn't make it if it weren't for you guys
and you know who you are
yes, i do mean 'you' and u are certainly 'u'nique in every way
by the continual support, encouragement & help
i have done it & most importantly WE have made it thru successfully together

Family & friends
of all unique personalities
you are irreplaceable
and i truly appreciate your presence in my life
with that, i could only say "THANK YOU"
right from my heart & soul

The Dark Realm

still alive but barely breathing
falling into pieces & heart is breaking

equipped with nothing
no luck, no value, no worth
who cares even if you really do care

nobody will know
nobody will understand

hit by failure time & time again
uselessness, shamefulness, disappointment, upset, frustration
all experienced simultaneously

learning not to give up
yet going & waiting
and when it comes to nothing
all the more helplessness overwhelms
which is what makes it all worse
wondering until when can this be over?

once an achievement, but at this moment it no longer holds any meaning or significance
it makes no difference
feeling the bitterness now, what an irony
it will taste much sweeter if i managed to keep to my objective/goal
but sadly i've failed
the journey ahead is dark
i dont know how long or how much more i can take

自卑，
也只能一个人独自默默地承受
也许寂寞寂寞就好

然而
这些痛苦，
没人晓得

hello feb

have again left this blog empty for quite some time
due to the 'internship' life

i rmb dragging myself to go to work every morning
and getting home tired at night after work

i wouldn't say i've enjoyed a lot through this 2 months
(40 days to be exact)
mostly because of the environment i'm working in

my tough encounter
and the stress i went through

dealt with an expensive lesson
left with a couple of physical scars

but i can't deny that i've indeed learnt something more
as compared to if i stayed at home for this summer holiday

for all the while,
i couldn't help but wish time would seriously fly (though it does really)

anyway, it's now all over
and i'm glad i have my freedom back..hehe

actually there aren't many staff there at the company i worked at
to be truthful, i havent got very attached to them

yet, towards the final 2 weeks or so
i felt that we got closer somehow

didn't expect there was still some slight emotional feelings at the end
to be leaving this life behind & move on with d last part of studies

things didn't go as planned like how i wished it would be
but i accepted this opportunity as it is, just let it be
& trying to learn as much as i can

nothing much i can do then
but at least this has been a useful experience for me

a month to go before the last leg of the race
gotta get some energy charged up for the final sprint..

i hope everyone's doing fine
see y'all again by end of cny ^^

be thankful

ok, i've realised that i've neglected the blog again..

there's something that i really want & till i get it, i guess i wont be so frequent in writing more here

by the time i get it i think only will i be more hardworking in updating entries

anyway, was lucky to reach home before the heavy downpour *phew*

was walking under the rain (good thing it just started to drizzle lightly)

the frightening thing however was the sight of lightning every now & then

and the scary thunder sound

it happened before that someone had gotten struck by lightning/thunder? from what i heard

yet cut out the fact we know staying at certain places like on top of a high rise building would increase the possibility of getting struck by lightning

we still might never know who might be the unfortunate one

sometimes we're too often stuck with the 'myth' that lightning only strikes the evil people

or if you're not filial enough according to chinese stories

so as just now walking out in that stormy weather, my conscience hit me too

ran a quick moral check in my mind whether i've done bad things in my life

hopefully i hadn't *fingers crossed

it was a scary moment having those thoughts

afraid that at any time the lightning might just strike me

but luckily i reached home shortly after that, safe & sound

anyway, what came to me then was how we should be thankful that we have a home we can go back to every day after work/school

this reminded me of how good it is having a rooftop over our heads that protect us from harm & the sometimes 'merciless' weather

imagine if we're in Haiti & our houses collapsed due to the high magnitude earthquake

where would we be possibly standing at?

where would we take cover?

where can we find a strong shelter to avoid the thunder, lightning & rain?

disasters are taking place more commonly now

and the weather's going crazy these days

yet, in the midst of everything that occurred around the world,

like in this tropical country we have here

there has never really been much of any events of natural disasters

except for droughts or floods sometimes

people get traumatized & fearful after such dreadful disasters

and we would never really understand fully how those who've experienced them feel, having survived through that kind of ordeal,

in between life & death situations

family of victims dealing with the pain of losing their loved ones

i reckon,

at the end of the day,

if you think you're lucky enough not being in that situation

we should face each day with greater gratitude

and live life meaningfully

after all,

life is unpredictable & we should really appreciate it more :)

random fun

sometimes random things can be fun too
e.g. take part in hitz.fm cruiser event

DJs were giving out free 7UP revive can drinks at 1st
cool, coz they were thirst quenching on a hot night anyway
then, they lured us to stay around by tempting us we could stand a chance to win more things
soon, out of curiosity,
a crowd came by as well

the next thing they gave out were 'The Critique' magazine
by answering easy questions
never heard of the name of the mag but no harm also..
least it's something extra to read while having ntg to do

then,
the DJ gave out free RM20 vouchers to the night park for sunway lagoon
actually, there's temporary free entry to the theme park at night currently
but need to pay for the rides of course
had once entered & have a look but didn't play anything

coincidentally,
they gave out vouchers
supposed to have been tired from walking in mid valley during afternoon
but since it was valid on the night itself
spent it there anyway..haha

there's more,
played a really simple game
and got into running for 1st & 2nd place
but with luck, got 2nd..
the prizes were pendrive by monster.com (which i've never heard of)
or choose 1 of 2 colours of a 'Lois' brand T-shirt of the same design
so, in the end..got that T-shirt as well for free

there was actually one final part where it involved recording a video of participants doing some exaggerated actions (which i heard would be posted on FB)
and after that require highest voting to walk away with prize money
winner could either get RM50 in cash or go home with a free carton of 7up revive
this contest was a bit more complicated
& didn't stay for that since only 3 other participants got a chance to win those

this became the 2nd time taking part in their simple events like this
the 1st time, got free drinks, magazines as well as Hotlink goodie bag too
oh well,
though it's not something really precious or valuable
but short moments of fun time could be entertaining anyway

so, why not just be random & join in the excitement at times?
after all, it wont cost u anything & neither would u have anything to lose
hope y'all had a good weekend :P

Happy New Year !!

Aloha ~ welcome to year 2010!

oh dear,

2009 is over

it's now another new year

but no fear

hope everything's good altogether