err...

*this was actually written some time ago but a friend (you know who you are..haha) suggested to post this up..

p/s: long & wordy but it's what i thought about & feel that time..just my point of view..you may not agree with me..

well, read only if u have enough patience..

I am just an ordinary person, not a very important person or whatsoever..i am just 1 of those people in the millions & billions of humans out there in the world trying to live life. I am just no special person nor would I actually make much difference if the world existed without me, I am just a small potato on this planet earth.

20 years into being that 1 out of god-knows exactly how many people staying on earth, life is considered short enough. This is for the fact that, within the first few years of entering into LIFE, one would basically have no idea or memory at all to know & remember what they did. Then, slowly you start to connect to the world, still without much worry & need to care about anything.

As life moves on further, education comes into sight & we begin to develop thinking. People would regard someone that they are stupid if they can’t think. However, it is also the ability to think when troubles set in. Life just gets more & more complicated thereafter. Sometimes I wonder if I can continue to be young & naïve, carefree & just happy-go-lucky, easy life, as simple as that.

Well, sad to say, it’s not likely to be possible to happen. Therefore, face the truth and welcome the reality of life. This could be the reason why I’m here being emo over certain things. From the past 1 & ½ year, I struggled over the part of life essential for survival in this advanced, competitive 21st century, university life. Hence, I wonder if the decision I made following my heart is wrong after all.

What have become & happen as of now? I no longer know or want to know. All of these are just confusion all over. My life is messed up I admit for someone like me who is perfectionist. If I could start over my life, I’ll make it real perfect to my own standard satisfactory point or quality level. Nevertheless, this is not meant to be as this is the only way we learn in life, through experience.

I didn’t see it coming or expect it beyond my imaginations and thoughts that it would be this tough to go through all of these ordeals. Are my ‘stubborn’ decisions made right in the first place?

Now I doubt it, maybe it’s all wrong the whole way. Yet, why did I still insist to choose that path which seemingly leads to an uncertain direction. Should I at this point give up or not is the question, or do I persevere through it just because I’ve come this far?

Am I now, after all the circumstances laid in front of me, willing to let go & accept whatever’s prepared for me, considering I took this chance myself, in the process, involving arguments, stress, extra money, effort, time, thoughts, hurting relationships with my family, and finally came out with such conclusion in the end, that they still support me to do what I desire?

For myself, I’ve really gone thru a lot to come to this point, due to various trials & tribulations that came my way previously, again & again, asking if it’s all worth it, should I keep hanging on or give up. Yet, chances opened up & I can finally study what I’m interested of.

I’m just too tired, way too exhausted to think & go thru this mental stress anymore. SERIOUSLY. Okay, I’ll now just state that I’m stupid & can’t give you an answer whether who’s right & who’s wrong. It’s really difficult to get to achieve a balance between 2 sides & therefore justice & fairness are always not served appropriately and attained.

I’m confused, maybe I’m just too biased & over-react because of what I’ve gone through. I just want to ask, if there is someone out there who has experienced exactly the same thing as I did, will he be able to show & tell me whether how I respond to the situation is rational. I need a reference as a guide. I really do need a moral check, probably. As again, how to judge whether it will be correct or wrong?

Would the person react the same way as I do or there could be a different approach in dealing and handling with this situation? Maybe I should carry away my feelings & emotions out of the case & think more rationally. If this is so, I reckon I should just be neutral, quiet down, listen, think, but do not take any action regardless of what I think or what the outcome may be, & just accept it no matter what happens. If action is to be taken, would it be worth it or it’s just a waste of time. Will it really make a difference?

I don’t want to know, as getting sunken in this kind of situation for the second time, twice, is enough to extract all the energy inside of me to fight but yet, a conscience that whispers, would you really give in without putting up a battle, after all that in the past 1 year? Would you raise the white flag, surrender & let something you can or maybe cannot control take over & conquer the rest of your future without giving it a try?

Just like the old saying goes, rather die trying than live giving in. Would you actually start calming down for a second, think properly, accept things as they are, and instead, use & generate that excess power available for a different cause?

Is there anybody who could give me an answer that scores a perfect 100% which would make my life rather a smooth sail from now on? I guess this is where I need to rely on my BIG God. I think I would need to communicate & consult with Him if there’s no one else who could solve that problem for me.

I need to know what to do, yet I have not found the answer, which is what is troubling me now. *sigh..I wish I can just forget everything, have fun & maybe stay & study in a kindergarten for the rest of my life. No worries but fun fun fun & play all day, no need to care, just live as a kid.

What should I do? (".)