will things ever gonna get better?

as if things aren't bad enough, it just got worse..wow
what could be the worst i wonder..
anything else coming? hmm, can i still take it?
and the longer it is, the worse it gets
will things ever turn for the better?
how long will it be?
the thing is: i dont know

i just know i am now utterly shattered, crushed & defeated
failure after failure, hopes are gone, faith is missing
i'm almost to my limit & i've no idea what to do anymore

rushing against time
pressure coming from myself, family, peer, corporations
and i'm facing this all alone
i wonder how long more can i put up with these

all i ever wanted is a chance
but nobody is willing to give any
most of the time, i'm treated with ignorance and rejection
maybe its all my fault anyway
simple no experience whatsoever
and i'm just never good enough
what a useless brat i am

what's the point of having achieved the graduate level
so what? i may ask
i'm a failure & this achievement has not much meaning now
when it doesnt make any difference at all
it makes me condemn myself even more

everytime i look at them, i feel a tug inside my heart
my parents have worked hard all their lives
for me & my siblings sake
now i just want to ease their burden
when i have the ability to be more independent
get a job & earn some money
so they dont have to support me with allowance anymore

yet, the time has not come
there are some desires, wants & needs
but i wanna fulfill them only with the money i earned myself
i'm trying not to spend parents' hard earned $$ for my own purpose
and i'm pretty much still in struggling stage
cant help feeling how irresponsible i am at this moment

should i just take another route or perhaps a short cut?
maybe its a form of waste but at least it wont be a waste of time anymore
if i just choose to make a living with a job that doesnt require much qualification or skill
as long as it is enough to get me survive through basic, simple needs

i am only worried of the real future
but i'm out of energy & perspective to look at things in a more positive manner
time is continually ticking
the constant wait, it freaks me out day by day

失落，挫败，自卑
这些应该是最适合形容我的心情的字眼吧
除了这些之外，我也不知道如何解释了

我很累了
不想继续走下去
可以放弃吗?
说真的，其实这样我以后再也不用烦
别人也不需要为我烦了
那岂不是一举两得
很好的结局吗？

Of gratitude & thankfulness

These few days have been very special to me
I've learnt to count my blessings despite the hardship i faced throughout the 2/3 months
It's exhausting to deal with mixed emotions over ups & downs
yet this is the essence of a human being, filled with different feelings that define the spice of life
maybe this is exactly what we are made for
only when one has been thru the roller coaster of emotions that one is said to have experienced life for real

The once-in-a-lifetime experience of becoming a graduate & attending convocation
The pleasant surprises, not once, but twice that my family gave me
At the times when i least expected it
All these held significant meaning for me personally
At my downtime, they really uplifted my spirits
These moments i felt touched & loved when i felt most lonely

My heart just melted at some point yet i couldnt even express my gratitude properly
Time flies past fast & i didnt even get to spend enough time with them
Yet they tolerated & waited with patience tho i wasnt thr on time but they were still there for me
For the care & sacrifices as well
I definitely couldnt thank them for more

To the friends with whom i started the journey 3 years back
i believe without your presence i wldn't be able to survive and plough through this uni life
I know i couldn't make it if it weren't for you guys
and you know who you are
yes, i do mean 'you' and u are certainly 'u'nique in every way
by the continual support, encouragement & help
i have done it & most importantly WE have made it thru successfully together

Family & friends
of all unique personalities
you are irreplaceable
and i truly appreciate your presence in my life
with that, i could only say "THANK YOU"
right from my heart & soul

The Dark Realm

still alive but barely breathing
falling into pieces & heart is breaking

equipped with nothing
no luck, no value, no worth
who cares even if you really do care

nobody will know
nobody will understand

hit by failure time & time again
uselessness, shamefulness, disappointment, upset, frustration
all experienced simultaneously

learning not to give up
yet going & waiting
and when it comes to nothing
all the more helplessness overwhelms
which is what makes it all worse
wondering until when can this be over?

once an achievement, but at this moment it no longer holds any meaning or significance
it makes no difference
feeling the bitterness now, what an irony
it will taste much sweeter if i managed to keep to my objective/goal
but sadly i've failed
the journey ahead is dark
i dont know how long or how much more i can take

自卑，
也只能一个人独自默默地承受
也许寂寞寂寞就好

然而
这些痛苦，
没人晓得