anxiety

came out of the exam venue with a heavy heart..
in between, just staring in the air, looking at the clock ticking away..
waiting for duration of exam to be over,
looking at others who have studied and doing with such confidence..
yet, i don't quite understand what i'm writing..
felt like giving up..and it was a torture
knowing i could have done better, yet it's over & i couldn't change a thing already..

ain't feeling well for the past few days,
imagine being awaken by pain..gosh

since monday, started feeling excruciating pain..
yet, i dont know the cause of it..
desperately ate panadol to kill it..
only worked temporarily..
ended up rolling in bed & the hot weather was bad, made it worse..
couldn't study, focus or concentrate..

the next day, feeling discomfort again..
try folding up like a protein in different structural forms
[if u understand what i mean]
primary, secondary, tertiary, quarternary level? i dont know
(effect of too much biochem)
still couldn't find a comfortable position to get myself to study..
the distraction from pain was just great..

the day after that, the pain didn't go away..
it came back, intensified to the point where i couldn't stand, bear, or tolerate anymore..
no longer could i even sit upright to study..
decided to visit the doc..
the night before exam..
lucky thing the medication helped, pain subsided & felt more relieved..
by then when i was feeling slightly better,
it was late at night..

but i bet if i didn't do that, i couldn't even walk properly to uni,
sit down & think right to take the exam the following day..
*not exaggerating or just coz my tolerance for pain was low..

time was running out..
with 2 'heavy' units having most materials to go through in 2 consecutive days,
having less than 24 hours to spare in between them..

things which i went through seem to 'tak masuk kepala'
as though what i studied couldn't get into my mind..
just bounced out again..
especially when i need to study something which is really complicated
yet, i dont find any relation with food..
frustration comes in..not helping in studies..
someone, remind me again, what course am i taking actually?
erm, never mind, forget it..
*forgive my stubbornness in acceptance..

the same feeling, helplessness, uneasiness, worry, etc..
which i once experienced last time strike me again..
and i guess it's gonna haunt me until after a few weeks later..
and if it does come true,
i've no idea how to deal with it..
i can't afford it, and i won't know how to move on..
and there's no turning back..
i sense disappointment on the way..

two exam paper's done..good news?
i don't think so..
i prefer if i could be better prepared for it with sufficient time
without extra classes, assignment and presentation in the way near exam period..
even if it would mean i would end the exam late..
everything's so different than previous sem when i really enjoyed what i've studied..
now, hmm...just couldn't be bothered to explain more..
i'm hopeless..

well, 1 paper's screwed and the other's dead..
i dare not hope much but just at least pass is all i could wish for..
couldn't aim high or be ambitious..
let's just see if there could be some light in the next, last 2 papers..
with faith replacing fear instead..
*fingers crossed, pray hard..

i just want to get this sem over & done with..
even though next sem would be tougher..
dont wanna suffer now & hopefully can get through this hurdle this time round..

sorry, bloggie for keep on flooding u with ever depressing posts..
and apologize to readers for this long entry..
been a place for release of emo, troubling emotions..
not many happy things to share recently..
or probably i should just stop blogging afterall..

good nite, peeps..